365 Days of Wisdom

Photo by Betsy Weldy

My husband and I got married a little over a year ago. At the time we were all aglow with happiness and great expectations. We had no idea what challenges we would face, starting that very afternoon as we left for our reception. We were simply blissfully happy. Unfortunately, it didn't last too long.

Brendan hadn't been feeling well all day. His throat was sore and he was running a bit of a fever. But, like the awesome trooper that he is, he pushed through it and the wedding went on. I stressed all morning over flowers and arrangements and hair appointments and this and that as every bride probably does but finally calmed down when I arrived at our venue and got into my dress. Although not everything had gone according to plan, it was all working out thanks to the great and much needed support of the bridal party and our families. We got through the ceremony mostly without a hitch and made it to the reception. After working with our wonderful photographer to get some more group shots, we headed back inside for our first appearance as husband and wife. And that's when I started to not feel good. My throat was scratchy and I felt a bit lightheaded. My maid of honor (who doubles as one of the best older sisters ever) filled me up with water and food (both of which I hadn't had a lot of that day) and I thought nothing more of it. Then, that night, when we got to our hotel at the airport, both me and Brendan were so exhausted and so sick that we simply passed out into one of the worst night's sleep I've ever gotten. In retrospect, we probably had a really bad flu or (at least in my case) a nasty respiratory infection and should have stayed home. But, determined that all our plans would work out, we trudged forward, making a long 8 hour journey to Prince Edward Island where we spent the week laying on the couch in our cottage and watching Star Trek reruns.

I tell this story for a simple point-married life is going to turn out the exact opposite of what you think. You make plans and you have dreams and expectations and it all falls through. I'm not saying that it's a horrible, terrible thing; it's exactly the opposite. It's the best thing I have ever done in my life and I'm so, so, so happy that I get to do this for the rest of my days with the best man in the whole entire universe. But it's best to be prepared for what can go wrong and to learn to roll with the punches.

So I wanted to share with you all I learned in this first crazy, wonderful year of marriage. Whether you're single, dating, engaged, just married or have been married for five years or more, I feel this advice from a no-longer newlywed can help every single one of you.

1.Understand that you're both different. So you're now married. You're back from your honeymoon and for the first time you're living under the same roof. He's perfectly fine with a couch, a TV and a bed while she wants pictures on the wall, a dining room table, rugs, end tables, nightstands and things he totally doesn't understand. He just thinks about how much this is going to cost him. And then you argue. What a lot of couples fail to understand, I think, is that men and women are made to be completely different. She's more emotion-based. She wants pretty things and to make a house a home. He's more logic based. If he has a couch to sit on and a bed to sleep in then he's good to go. He doesn't need anything else. He doesn't understand his wife's want to bring in all this additional stuff. And it all gets lost in communication. Understanding and accepting the base of what a man is and what a woman is will go great lengths in helping you improve your marriage. For example:

A woman wants/needs:

• to feel secure/protected
• affection (both physically and emotionally, though primarily she needs the emotional connection)
• conversation (ties in with the previous; sometimes she just wants to talk)
• commitment
• financial support

On the flipside, a man wants/needs

• Respect
• Admiration
• A playmate (someone who will step and do things with him, side-by-side)
• Support
• Physical affection (think Elvis's "A Little Less Conversation")

I could go on and on with this subject (you probably don't want a post that long though) but I think you get my point. We are inherently different and we need to take time to learn those differences and act on them.

Photo by Lilac & Lemon Photography

2. Learn how to communicate. I can't stress how important this one is. And I think it's probably something we'll be working on for the rest of our lives. When Brendan and I were dating, we were doing so over a very long distance that only got longer. We started dating when he was in Alabama finishing up his bachelor's degree at Auburn University (War Eagle!). I was in my senior year of high school (don't worry, I was 18). Our communication, therefore, was all done electronically. Over the phone, over Facebook, texting, Skype, ect. for nearly two years. Over that period of time we visited each other five or six times and even then we only saw each other for around a week (sometimes more, sometimes less) at a time. And when we did visit each other we were almost always surrounded by family (not necessarily a bad thing) so we didn't really have much opportunity for long, just the two of us conversations. So when we got married, on a communication level, we were in some trouble. We didn't really know how to talk to each other face-to-face. So we would get into arguments over small miscommunications. And these arguments could last for hours. Through getting to know one another better and the help of our wonderful leaders in our Sunday school class, Newlywed or Close, we slowly made it through the awkwardness of not really being able to talk to each other without the help of technology to being able to better understand and better communicate. The best I advice I can give you on learning how to communicate is learn how to better understand each other. And from that comes better communication. The other bit of advice is find a couple that's been married for a good number of years and go to them for advice and counseling.

3. Date and have fun. During the first month or so of marriage, you're wrapped up in the joy of being newly married. You make plans and go on date after date. Even cuddling on the couch with a good movie and some popcorn can be a date. But then life catches back up with you. You go back to work and/or school, you end of with piles of undone laundry, dishes, and who knows what else because you just get so busy. Dating falls by the wayside. Sure, you'll try and go see that awesome new movie when it comes out but it'll probably just turn into a quick run to the theater and run back so you can get to bed on time to get up for work. Life so overwhelms you that you forget to make time for each other and you essentially turn into roommates. Sure, you're roommates with benefits but you're also roommates that sooner or later, are going to get into a fight over something because you're not taking the time to invest in your relationship. It doesn't take much really. Just go out and do something simple. Go for a walk. Go out to dinner and a movie. Go kayaking. Go to the beach. Go out for ice cream. Just do something fun where you can talk and reconnect after being so very, very busy with you separate lives. It can even be as simple as sitting down at your dining room table and having dinner together. It doesn't take much. Just go and make some memories.

4. Learn how to resolve your conflicts calmly. Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. You are two completely different people. And if you always got along, you wouldn't need each other. Conflict in your relationship can do one of two things-it can push you apart or pull you closer to together. It all depends on how you handle it. On one hand you can yell and call each other names and attack each other until you're blue in the face or you can check yourself and decide to resolve your conflict. And to do that there are several rules you need to follow.

• Don't use words like "never" or "always". They say there is no hope that anything is going to change and make the argument almost pointless for the person on the other side.
• Don't name call. This only makes your spouse angrier and more hurt.
• Don't interrupt when your spouse is speaking.  Listen carefully to the problem and repeat it back to make sure you understand how they feel. Then it can be your turn to say how you feel.
• Own up to how you feel. Don't just attack your spouse by saying "you this" and "you that". Use "I" and own up as to why you are angry.
• Don't attack your spouse. Instead, attack the problem at hand. Attacking your spouse only hurts them more. Instead, work on the problem together, as a team.
• Ask each other for forgiveness. You can say "I'm sorry" and your spouse can accept it, but it doesn't really close out the argument. Instead, ask for forgiveness. It's a more proactive form of closure.
• "Don't let the sun go down on your anger." (Eph. 4:26) My mom used to quote this one to us as kids. And it's very true. Going to bed angry only helps to build up the resentment toward your spouse and makes it worse. Even if you have to stay up late, work out at least your anger before going to sleep. If you need to, resolve the conflict in the morning but get rid of the anger beforehand.

5. Take some time for yourself. I know this one may sound completely hypocritical given the speech I just gave you on taking time for each other, but sometimes you just need to be apart. Whether it's going to play football with your buddies or going on a spa date with your girlfriends, take some time to recharge yourself every once in a while. So take a fitness class, find some running buddies, go shopping, get your nails done, play some video games, go the hair salon, play some golf, or even just sit alone and read a book. Time by yourself or time with your friends can do wonders for the soul and can help you refresh and come back ready to continue working on your relationship with your honey.

6. Volunteer together. We haven't yet been able to find a ministry in which we would like to plant ourselves and volunteer in on a week-by-week basis. But we have been able to volunteer and help other people out before and since we got married. Volunteering is a great way to work on your teamwork and communication. Whether it's helping a friend move or handing out food boxes or helping with Sunday school, volunteering can help your relationship grow and flourish. It's also a great way to give back to the community and to minister to others about Christ.

Marriage is awesome. And my husband is the best, strongest and most wonderful man and I am so thankful God chose to bless me with him. But marriage is also hard. And like anything in life, unless you work at it, it will stagnate and fall apart. So I hope my hard earned wisdom will help you along and make your own journey a little bit easier. Because, genuinely, all we all want to do is to is have a beautiful marriage "until death do us part."

The Home of the Alamo

I'm from Delaware. Born and raised. So just about everybody I've ever known is there. Including my best friend, Jaimie. Her boyfriend, Luke, joined the Navy not long before Brendan and I got married. He did his basic in Illinois and then was sent to San Antonio for his first round of school. Jaimie went to his graduation and was going to come visit us a few weeks later but decided to stay home and rest up from her trip to Illinois and instead go to San Antonio about a month later to see Luke and have us meet her there. Brendan and I were to drive up separate since he didn't get off work until 5 or so and Jaimie's flight got in at noon and she needed someone to pick her up.

The day of the trip came up faster than I expected. All of a sudden it was time to pack and get ready to go and I wasn't prepared at all. I had only managed to get the laundry and the dishes done that day and that was only a few things of many that I'd hoped to accomplish. But we gathered our things, packed up, and went to bed.

The following day, Friday, Brendan went off to work like he always did while I finished cleaning up and gathering what we needed for the trip. I was finally able to get out the door around 10am, with Jesse, a suitcase, and a bag of his things in tow.

My first stop was in Pasadena to drop Jesse off at the PetsHotel at Petsmart. It was the closest one to our house but now that I think on it I should have taken him to the one that was further, but was still on my way to San Antonio. But this branch of the hotel in particular was great and they took awesome care of Jesse while we were gone. Traffic wasn't bad as it was an uncommon time of day for people to be out driving and I had buckled the dog in the passenger's seat using a safety harness so he would stay on his side of the car and not jump in my lap. So the trip was uneventful and I dropped him off with relative ease.

Next I made a gas stop, just to top off my tank and pick up a bottle of water since I had forgotten mine on the way out the door. Then I headed back out, hoping to soon hit I-10 and drive straight on to San Antonio. But Sam Houston Tollway happened.

Anyone living in Houston and not owning an EZ tag knows exactly how this next part of the story feels. I have the GPS on my phone set to avoid tolls. There was a section of Sam Houston Tollway that was toll free and so my GPS told me to get on there. Unfortunately, I didn't look to see that it was 2 miles away and took the closest ramp onto the tollway. And then a freak out ensued. Most of the time you have to have an EZ tag to drive on this road or...well you're just in trouble with the police. Luckily for me, this one had a booth for exact change. And so I panicked, rummaging around for the $1.75 I needed to keep going. I finally managed to find it and get through but not after my fight or flight response had significantly kicked in. And then I made error number two. I didn't know it at the time but I had now entered the toll free portion of the tollway and just needed to keep going straight to get the I-10 exit. Because I still had all that adrenaline rushing, I immediately exited, thus missing the exit I needed.

But thank goodness for rerouting on GPS. I finally made it onto I-10 and then settled in for the 180 or so miles I had to stay on the road. It was then that I started noticing a problem with my car. I own a 2000 Ford Taurus I call Thor (my previous vehicle, a pick up, I had called Iron Man, so I just stuck with the Avengers theme) that has been a real trooper. He stuck with me through my last semester and bit of the one before plus drove me all the way to Texas. But, as all Fords do, he likes to give me issues. I had hit a curb at maybe around 50mph the day before when I was going to the college for an information session. I was worried at the time but when I got out and checked the car and nothing was visibly wrong, I let it go. But while I was driving I-10, the car started pulling like a hard wind was hitting it and shaking some. I called my "adoptive brother" Chris and he told it was probably just out of alignment and to rotate my tires when I got a chance to make sure. So I kept on without another thought.

I reached San Antonio around 2:30 and then went into the airport to find Jaimie. She tackled me with a long hug and then we headed back out to the car and off to McDonalds to pick up some lunch. We sat and talked for a bit about various things-her job as a CNA at a hospice care facility, her job in a pharmacy, Syria, my CNA class that I'm trying to get into, and why people use babies on commercials that have nothing to do with babies. Then we headed to the Riverfront Mall for some shopping while we waited for Luke to get off of work. The mall, however, didn't hold much appeal, so we instead headed to the base where we decided we would just wait for Luke. It was about this time that I noticed a scraping sound in the back of my car, but blew it off as something just rubbing against my tire.

We picked up Luke, after getting lost on base, and then headed to the hotel. It was small and in a shady looking area of town, but it turned out to be just fine and the "neighbors" weren't even a problem. The worst that came of it was a couple of barking dogs. We settled into the hotel, ordered pizza, and waited for Brendan.

Brendan got there around 9 or so and then we all decided to go take a walk down on the Riverwalk. We walked by the Alamo first, which is smaller than you would think, and explored the outside for a few minutes. Then we headed down to the Riverwalk. It was overly crowded, which I should have expected for a Friday night, but for some reason, I didn't. It was lined with restaurants and shops, all of which were teeming with people celebrating the beginning of the weekend. The weather was humid and hot, though not as hot as it would've been if the sun were still up. The stars were out and the sounds of the city teemed around us as we walked alongside the river. We got tired and decided to head back to the hotel. Jaimie and Luke stayed in Luke's room for a while and Brendan and I stayed in the other, watched a little TV before falling into the exhausted sleep that always comes from a long day of traveling.

Corpus Christi

The next day we drove to the beach at Corpus Christi. We were all terribly ill prepared for this. We all had bathing suits but no towels or sunscreen. Brendan and I had brought towels for showers out of habit and Jaimie and Luke took some from one of the hotel rooms. The beach at Corpus Christi wasn't all that great. I still like the beaches in Delaware better. The sand is soft and the water is cool whereas in Corpus Christi the beach is narrow, the sand is rough from shells and rocks and the water is bath water warm. But nevertheless we still enjoyed ourselves while I got thoroughly crisped from the sun along with Luke. We took a walk down to a Navy WWII carrier that was docked as a museum but didn't go inside. We then walked through some shops before deciding to head out and get some lunch. We googled the closest Chick-fil-A and stopped there for lunch. We changed and then sat and talked. Luke and I talked about working at Chick-fil-A, both being former employees. Then we just talked about whatever came to mind until we finished up and got back out on the road. That night we went out to Wal-Mart to grab some aloe vera and went to sleep nursing our burnt skin.

The following day we went to church on base with Luke and then headed out to another mall to join some Navy buddies of his for lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. Since we got there first, we hit an American Eagle, Jaimie just to look and me to find something that wouldn't hurt the burn on my shoulders quite as bad as the dress I was currently wearing. The pager called for our table so the boys left and Jaimie and I finished up and then joined them. I left them all at the table after introductions and changed before sitting down to lunch. After lunch we shopped around some more and then headed back to the hotel. It was then that we decided to take my car into a Firestone to have the scraping sound checked. At first they said it would have to wait till morning but when I told them I had to drive back to Houston in the morning, the manager came out and checked the car himself. When he came back he said my brakes had something wrong with them and he would have them inspected. So we dropped off Thor and went back to the hotel.

Jaimie helped Luke study while Brendan and I watched football and waited for news on my car. Then the call came. I had busted a drum and my car was completely out of commission. To make matters worse, all the parts stores had closed and they wouldn't be able to fix it until the following day. So Brendan made the decision to take the following day off from work and we both stayed the night. The original plan was for Brendan to go back to Houston so he could make it to work the next day and I would drive home after dropping Jaimie off at the airport in the morning. But the car troubles changed that.

We dropped Luke off at the base about half an hour after he was due back and then all just collapsed back at the hotel. We watched a couple of TV shows together before all going off to bed.

The following morning Jaimie and I got up early and I used Brendan's vehicle to drive to the airport while letting him sleep. We said our goodbyes and then went separate ways. Back at the hotel, Brendan and I got breakfast, watched a bit of NCIS, then packed up and checked out. My car was supposed to be ready by noon so we went out to eat at Paloma Blanca while we waited (they have very good enchiladas). Finally the call came and we picked up my car, got back on I-10 and finally headed home to Houston. I made my detour into Pasadena, picked up the dog, and then got stuck in rush hour traffic on the way home. Anyone whose ever driven on I-45 or I-610 knows exactly how this one goes. But when I finally made it back to the apartment, I had never been so happy to see the place that I called home in my life. There truly is no place like home.

The Money Saving Bride: Tip 6

Children are part of your guest list. It's just about inevitable. So you have to keep them entertained. Here's a good, cheap, diy way to that: A free coloring book pdf file. I believe Pinterest is a wonderful invention. I found it there while scrolling through some pins one morning. But here's the basics of it.





Step 1: Download the pdf file (located here). It works best if you print odd pages first and then the even pages. Also be sure to change your printer settings so that the picture is rotated around to give you that book-like shape.




Step 2: Head to Walmart. According to my guest list I have roughly 20 children on my just that are at the age where they can get really bored really fast. I decided to give them six crayons a piece so I picked up a box of 120 crayons for $6.97. Then I got more printer paper ($2.97) and a roll of twine ($5.00). All together these little booklets cost me a total of $14.94 for 20 of them or around $0.75 per book.





Step 3: Assembly. I folded the books together and then cut two small triangle shaped holes in the binding. Through that I tied a piece of twine and cut off the ends but left a bit for decorative purposes. The same procedure is almost duplicated for the crayons. Simply lay them out over a piece of twine, tie once in the back, flip them over, tie a knot in the front and then trim the ends.

And voila! Entertainment for the kiddos without breaking the bank.

The Money Saving Bride: The Budget So Far

"Alive"
Photo by Robin Lear

If you've been checking back to this blog, you'll notice that I've had a sort of radio silence here for a while. And that's because, well, let's face it, as a nursing student who also was working part time and playing a lead role in a large Easter production (I played the pregnant wife of the youth group worship leader), time was a little tight and most of whatever I had to spare went to studying. So blogging took a back seat and kinda got forgotten.

But since then, my schedule has cleared significantly. I quit my job just before Easter to give myself some breathing room. And now, obviously, the Easter production is over so I'm not spending 4 days a week at the church either. So here were are (hopefully) back to regular, consistent blogging.

I thought I would take this post to give you an idea of how much we've already spent on our wedding and how much we've saved given the averages of what people normally spend on these things. Given some unforseen circumstances, I have a feeling we're going to spend a little more than we wanted on our wedding, but hopefully not too terribly much. So, here goes.

Venue
Average spent in 2010 (ceremony only): $1,393
Average spent in 2010 (reception only): $12,124
Venue for our wedding (ceremony and reception): $450
Amount saved: $13,067

Originally we were going to get married at my church, costing about $600 including the officiant's fee and a day of wedding coordinator. However, because we got engaged in December and wanted to be married in June, the dates had already all been filled. So we had to start looking elsewhere and found (kind of) a farm with a concert hall that we could use for both ceremony and reception with dates available in June. So we ended spending less than we had intended for the ceremony/reception venue.

Wedding Dress
Average spent in 2010: $1,099
Spent for our wedding: $257.94 (including shipping)
Amount saved: $841. 06

I don't even know if this can count into our budget because I've actually had the dress for a while. I found it on a discount dress site about a year ago and, with no intention of getting married any time soon, went ahead and bought because it was the dress I really wanted for my wedding.

Reception DJ:
Average spent in 2010: $900
Spent for our wedding (estimate): $375
Amount saved: $525

My children's pastor actually does DJ-ing (is that even how you spell it?) to help raise money for his children's ministry. We haven't yet secured him for the wedding, but I'm hoping I can, since it would mean a lot to me if he was our DJ.

Invitations:
Average spent in 2010: $351
Spent for our wedding: $349. 50
Amount saved: $1.50

I could not find any invitations that I liked to fit my theme (Tangled, whimsical, lanterns) and so I had asked my sister if I gave her a general idea of what I wanted if she could design them for me and then we would just have them mass printed. But then I found Wedding Paper Divas and they had a perfect design that matched both theme and color scheme. So we ended up spending a little more here than intended, but it was well worth it.

Catering:
Average spent in 2010 (cost per head) $61
Spent for our wedding (cost per head) $7
Amount saved (per head): $54

I'm using the same caterer my mom used when she remarried about five years ago (or something. I never remember the right number). The caterer has also been a friend of the family for years. That being said, to save money on catering, we skillfully plotted this one out. Our ceremony time is 2:30pm, just after lunch but far enough away from dinner so the reception time will be roughly around 3:30. This way we can just serve finger foods instead a full meal and drastically reduce the cost per head.

So in all we've saved $14,448.56 so far and, given that the average wedding costs around $26,000, I'd say we're on a roll. See you next week my lovelies!

Note: All statistics taken from TheKnot.com. Survey results can be found here.

Coming Back

It's been a little over a year since I posted. But with all that's happened since, blogging has taken a backseat in my life. I decided to take it up once again. So let's catch up.

Since October 14, 2011:

Fall of 2011: I started my senior year in high school. I started courting my boyfriend, Brendan, on October 9. Other than that the season passed with not much more than the simple humdrum of school and work.

Winter 2011/12: Life got a little more exciting, a little more hectic. On December 13, I saw my boyfriend for the first time in three years since he left for college and his family moved back to Georgia (giving him no real reason to make the hike for Alabama all the way back to Delaware). Then, five days after Christmas, I headed down to Dixieland to visit him and his family in Georgia. I spent a week there, going hiking, watching football, going for walks, rollerskating, recording music, going to church, playing SmashBros, reading devotionals together, and, what would become a tradition for us, going out to eat at Chili's the night before I left. Then it was back home to school and work.

Brendan, his Grandma, and I after his college graduation

Spring of 2012: My soccer team had an amazing season. For the seven senior girls, it couldn't have been any better. We walked away as the regular season champions and with a second place finish in the tournament. I registered for my first semester of college at a local community college as a nursing student. My semester was to consist of four classes-Anatomy and Physiology I, Review of Math Fundamentals (yeah, I've never been good at math), Composition, and First Year Seminar. One credit above full time, I was set and ready to go. Just after our soccer season ended, during the first week in May, I headed back down to Dixie, this time to Alabama for Brendan's graduation from Auburn University. I stayed with a wonderfully sweet southern belle named Julia that week, since her two roommates were out of town. And conveniently, her house was five or so minutes from his (her boyfriend, Isaac, lived there with Brendan along with two or three or four, depending on who was crashing on the couch, other guys). The week held many things for me: meeting new people (which, if you know me, I don't do well with), graduation, seeing his family again (they drove from Georgia for the event), an anniversary picnic, going to see The Avengers (twice!), Chick-fil-A milkshakes and a walk in the park, and our dinner out the night before I left.

The family (and Brendan) in Virginia

And then, on June 7, I finally graduated! Brendan, of course, traveled up for the event. I gave my graduation speech without a hitch and my hit all the low notes on "Blessings" by Laura Story that I sang for my senior talent. The day after graduation we packed everyone up and headed to D.C. for a trip to the zoo (okay, it was mainly a trip for the younger ones, but I still enjoy zoos). The Monday after graduation I got my wisdom teeth out. Brendan, like any good boyfriend, stuck with me through it all, even in my worse drugged up, hydrocodine moments. We mainly watched movies on my laptop and he read all of Love Comes Softly by Janette Oak to me. My family also headed down to Luray Caverns and Shenandoah National Park once I was well enough to travel. We hiked through the caverns and got sprinkled with "cave kisses" (supposed to bring you one year's good luck with every one; I got something like 20 so I should have plenty of good luck). Then, twelve days after he arrived, he left again. We haven't had the chance to visit since.

Working the Fourth of July Parade with the world's favorite cow

Summer 2012: I meant to have a great last summer before college. You know how well that worked out? Not very. I worked. Usually eight to nine hours a day. Once I worked for twelve. I managed to make it to the beach once this summer. Other than that I waited impatiently for my financial aid to come through, bought textbooks and worked some more. I also moved in with my older sister (also a college student) and we now an apartment together. Oh the adventures that brings! As a side note, I worked Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day as a drive thru order taker. And let me tell you our whole team was exhausted for the following week. But we put on our smiles, said our "my pleasure"'s and worked as hard as we could. Because it truly was our pleasure to serve everyone, no matter who they were, and it was heartwarming to see all the support we were given. Bobby also made it safely home for Afghanistan. Praise the Lord!

Studying for my first A&P exam

Fall 2012: Let college begin! Classes took over my life and now I literally do not have one. I still work part time and have now been promoted to a team leader. My boyfriend and I reached our first year anniversary. He sent me a gorgeous lantern necklace with one of those sun crystals inside that catches rays of light and we had a one hour Skype date. And so, now, we are up to date.