365 Days of Wisdom

Photo by Betsy Weldy

My husband and I got married a little over a year ago. At the time we were all aglow with happiness and great expectations. We had no idea what challenges we would face, starting that very afternoon as we left for our reception. We were simply blissfully happy. Unfortunately, it didn't last too long.

Brendan hadn't been feeling well all day. His throat was sore and he was running a bit of a fever. But, like the awesome trooper that he is, he pushed through it and the wedding went on. I stressed all morning over flowers and arrangements and hair appointments and this and that as every bride probably does but finally calmed down when I arrived at our venue and got into my dress. Although not everything had gone according to plan, it was all working out thanks to the great and much needed support of the bridal party and our families. We got through the ceremony mostly without a hitch and made it to the reception. After working with our wonderful photographer to get some more group shots, we headed back inside for our first appearance as husband and wife. And that's when I started to not feel good. My throat was scratchy and I felt a bit lightheaded. My maid of honor (who doubles as one of the best older sisters ever) filled me up with water and food (both of which I hadn't had a lot of that day) and I thought nothing more of it. Then, that night, when we got to our hotel at the airport, both me and Brendan were so exhausted and so sick that we simply passed out into one of the worst night's sleep I've ever gotten. In retrospect, we probably had a really bad flu or (at least in my case) a nasty respiratory infection and should have stayed home. But, determined that all our plans would work out, we trudged forward, making a long 8 hour journey to Prince Edward Island where we spent the week laying on the couch in our cottage and watching Star Trek reruns.

I tell this story for a simple point-married life is going to turn out the exact opposite of what you think. You make plans and you have dreams and expectations and it all falls through. I'm not saying that it's a horrible, terrible thing; it's exactly the opposite. It's the best thing I have ever done in my life and I'm so, so, so happy that I get to do this for the rest of my days with the best man in the whole entire universe. But it's best to be prepared for what can go wrong and to learn to roll with the punches.

So I wanted to share with you all I learned in this first crazy, wonderful year of marriage. Whether you're single, dating, engaged, just married or have been married for five years or more, I feel this advice from a no-longer newlywed can help every single one of you.

1.Understand that you're both different. So you're now married. You're back from your honeymoon and for the first time you're living under the same roof. He's perfectly fine with a couch, a TV and a bed while she wants pictures on the wall, a dining room table, rugs, end tables, nightstands and things he totally doesn't understand. He just thinks about how much this is going to cost him. And then you argue. What a lot of couples fail to understand, I think, is that men and women are made to be completely different. She's more emotion-based. She wants pretty things and to make a house a home. He's more logic based. If he has a couch to sit on and a bed to sleep in then he's good to go. He doesn't need anything else. He doesn't understand his wife's want to bring in all this additional stuff. And it all gets lost in communication. Understanding and accepting the base of what a man is and what a woman is will go great lengths in helping you improve your marriage. For example:

A woman wants/needs:

• to feel secure/protected
• affection (both physically and emotionally, though primarily she needs the emotional connection)
• conversation (ties in with the previous; sometimes she just wants to talk)
• commitment
• financial support

On the flipside, a man wants/needs

• Respect
• Admiration
• A playmate (someone who will step and do things with him, side-by-side)
• Support
• Physical affection (think Elvis's "A Little Less Conversation")

I could go on and on with this subject (you probably don't want a post that long though) but I think you get my point. We are inherently different and we need to take time to learn those differences and act on them.

Photo by Lilac & Lemon Photography

2. Learn how to communicate. I can't stress how important this one is. And I think it's probably something we'll be working on for the rest of our lives. When Brendan and I were dating, we were doing so over a very long distance that only got longer. We started dating when he was in Alabama finishing up his bachelor's degree at Auburn University (War Eagle!). I was in my senior year of high school (don't worry, I was 18). Our communication, therefore, was all done electronically. Over the phone, over Facebook, texting, Skype, ect. for nearly two years. Over that period of time we visited each other five or six times and even then we only saw each other for around a week (sometimes more, sometimes less) at a time. And when we did visit each other we were almost always surrounded by family (not necessarily a bad thing) so we didn't really have much opportunity for long, just the two of us conversations. So when we got married, on a communication level, we were in some trouble. We didn't really know how to talk to each other face-to-face. So we would get into arguments over small miscommunications. And these arguments could last for hours. Through getting to know one another better and the help of our wonderful leaders in our Sunday school class, Newlywed or Close, we slowly made it through the awkwardness of not really being able to talk to each other without the help of technology to being able to better understand and better communicate. The best I advice I can give you on learning how to communicate is learn how to better understand each other. And from that comes better communication. The other bit of advice is find a couple that's been married for a good number of years and go to them for advice and counseling.

3. Date and have fun. During the first month or so of marriage, you're wrapped up in the joy of being newly married. You make plans and go on date after date. Even cuddling on the couch with a good movie and some popcorn can be a date. But then life catches back up with you. You go back to work and/or school, you end of with piles of undone laundry, dishes, and who knows what else because you just get so busy. Dating falls by the wayside. Sure, you'll try and go see that awesome new movie when it comes out but it'll probably just turn into a quick run to the theater and run back so you can get to bed on time to get up for work. Life so overwhelms you that you forget to make time for each other and you essentially turn into roommates. Sure, you're roommates with benefits but you're also roommates that sooner or later, are going to get into a fight over something because you're not taking the time to invest in your relationship. It doesn't take much really. Just go out and do something simple. Go for a walk. Go out to dinner and a movie. Go kayaking. Go to the beach. Go out for ice cream. Just do something fun where you can talk and reconnect after being so very, very busy with you separate lives. It can even be as simple as sitting down at your dining room table and having dinner together. It doesn't take much. Just go and make some memories.

4. Learn how to resolve your conflicts calmly. Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. You are two completely different people. And if you always got along, you wouldn't need each other. Conflict in your relationship can do one of two things-it can push you apart or pull you closer to together. It all depends on how you handle it. On one hand you can yell and call each other names and attack each other until you're blue in the face or you can check yourself and decide to resolve your conflict. And to do that there are several rules you need to follow.

• Don't use words like "never" or "always". They say there is no hope that anything is going to change and make the argument almost pointless for the person on the other side.
• Don't name call. This only makes your spouse angrier and more hurt.
• Don't interrupt when your spouse is speaking.  Listen carefully to the problem and repeat it back to make sure you understand how they feel. Then it can be your turn to say how you feel.
• Own up to how you feel. Don't just attack your spouse by saying "you this" and "you that". Use "I" and own up as to why you are angry.
• Don't attack your spouse. Instead, attack the problem at hand. Attacking your spouse only hurts them more. Instead, work on the problem together, as a team.
• Ask each other for forgiveness. You can say "I'm sorry" and your spouse can accept it, but it doesn't really close out the argument. Instead, ask for forgiveness. It's a more proactive form of closure.
• "Don't let the sun go down on your anger." (Eph. 4:26) My mom used to quote this one to us as kids. And it's very true. Going to bed angry only helps to build up the resentment toward your spouse and makes it worse. Even if you have to stay up late, work out at least your anger before going to sleep. If you need to, resolve the conflict in the morning but get rid of the anger beforehand.

5. Take some time for yourself. I know this one may sound completely hypocritical given the speech I just gave you on taking time for each other, but sometimes you just need to be apart. Whether it's going to play football with your buddies or going on a spa date with your girlfriends, take some time to recharge yourself every once in a while. So take a fitness class, find some running buddies, go shopping, get your nails done, play some video games, go the hair salon, play some golf, or even just sit alone and read a book. Time by yourself or time with your friends can do wonders for the soul and can help you refresh and come back ready to continue working on your relationship with your honey.

6. Volunteer together. We haven't yet been able to find a ministry in which we would like to plant ourselves and volunteer in on a week-by-week basis. But we have been able to volunteer and help other people out before and since we got married. Volunteering is a great way to work on your teamwork and communication. Whether it's helping a friend move or handing out food boxes or helping with Sunday school, volunteering can help your relationship grow and flourish. It's also a great way to give back to the community and to minister to others about Christ.

Marriage is awesome. And my husband is the best, strongest and most wonderful man and I am so thankful God chose to bless me with him. But marriage is also hard. And like anything in life, unless you work at it, it will stagnate and fall apart. So I hope my hard earned wisdom will help you along and make your own journey a little bit easier. Because, genuinely, all we all want to do is to is have a beautiful marriage "until death do us part."

Round Top Texas

When you grow up in the country, you get very accustomed to it. So when you move to the fourth biggest city in the United States, you find out how much you had and how much you missed. This weekend, though, we got to head out to Round Top, Texas, a small little town nestled somewhere between Houston and San Antonio. Round Top has a population of 90 and an old world charm you could enjoy for years to come. It was so nice to get away from the constant sounds of traffic and neighbors and just sit and soak up the sunshine.

We were, however, in Round Top for a reason. We were attending the annual retreat for newlywed and engaged couples held by our church. Y'all, if you've never been to something like this and you're engaged or married, I highly recommend it. We learned so much and came to understand one another so much more. There's always talk about how men and women are so different but you never really hear anyone expound on those differences too much or explain how to understand and practically apply your knowledge of those differences. Bob and Ann Livesay, our speakers for the weekend, did just that and more, sharing with us a wealth of knowledge that they have accumulated from 44 years of marriage.



Royer's Café

The weekend started with me driving into downtown, picking up Brendan, and then the two of us heading over to pick up the couple we were carpooling with, Justin and Madeleine. Then we began our two hour trip out to Round Top. The trip went mostly without a hitch, until we reached the town of Round Top. Not knowing that we had come in the opposite way that our directions were written for, we drove through the town and unknowingly started heading in the opposite direction of the retreat center. After driving that way without luck for around 5 or so minutes, we decided to turn around and head back into town for some dinner before trying again. We stopped at Royer's Café, famous in Texas for it's pie. We never actually tried any of their pie since the price on the menu completely deterred us (4.75 per slice, 27 for a whole pie). So we had our dinner (I recommend the shrimp BLT, but not the Mexican pasta) and headed back out, this time in the right direction, thanks to the GPS on Madeleine's phone. We arrived just before the first session was about to start but we really had nothing to worry about. It didn't actually start until maybe thirty minutes to an hour later. We got our room assignments and unpacked the car before heading up to the Big House to wait for the start of the first session.

That night we met Bob and Ann and discussed the differences between men and women as outlined in the first few chapters of Genesis. It's not ever something you really think about when you normally read those chapters, but there is so much wisdom in there if you dig deep. After the first session they served brownies and ice cream, we stayed up and talked with some other couples for a little while and then headed off to bed. I don't know about y'all, but any semblance of travel always makes me super tired. And when you're fighting allergies, it just makes it even worse.

The following morning we had breakfast followed by another session with Bob and Ann. That session was followed by a half hour break during which Brendan and I sat on the porch and just enjoyed the sunshine and beautiful weather. I was thoroughly happy to be back in a place where I couldn't hear anything but chirping birds and slamming screen doors. Before long we headed back in for another session with Bob and Ann that was followed up by lunch outside. And lunch was followed up by another break, this one lasting all afternoon. And so what naturally happens when you have a bunch of guy and an empty, grassy space? Either a game of football or Frisbee. I didn't mind though. Brendan hasn't been able to play with a group of guys since we got married 10 months ago and I was able to get some great shots like these ones.



After the game we went into town to do some shopping and site seeing. We walked around for a good bit but never actually bought anything even though the antique shops were a treasure trove of adorable finds. We ended up spending the rest of our break in town before we headed back for our next session. During this session the guys and gals were split up for separate sessions on communication. This was another thing I really liked because we were in a long distance relationship for the two years we dated, we never really honed our communication skills. After those sessions were over, we gathered for a group picture and then headed down to the barn for a barbeque and games. So as to not spoil the retreat for others who will go in years to come, I can't actually disclose what happened during those games.

After the games we were over we had root beer floats while sitting on the front porch listening to the crickets. Others came out to join us and we decided to head back to our house to all play a game together. Justin and Madeleine had brought along a game called "Bang". It's confusing at first, but once you get the gist of it and get it going, it's a lot of fun. We stayed up later than we should have playing that game and then all headed up to bed.

The following morning we got up, repacked our suitcases, made our bed, and headed up to the Big House for breakfast and our final session. This was another one that helped a lot, as it went over resolving conflict without all the yelling and hurting of each other's feelings. After we finished that session, we packed up the car and headed back home. Justin, Madeleine, and Brendan all slept for most of the way while I drove. The road back had tons of bluebells and Indian paint brushes growing by the roadside. And there would be lines of cars parked on the side of the road with people out in the fields picking the flowers and enjoying the brief spots of sunshine in between the rain.

If I could sum this retreat up in a few words, I would say this: it was much needed, thoroughly enjoyed, and what feels like a brand new start for our marriage. Never underestimate the value of taking time off to devote to your marriage. It's one thing I guarantee y'all will never regret.

5k's and Flowers

We've been busy the past few weeks. Life here is finally starting to settle down and even out (5 months into our marriage). With our finances now evening out we finally managed to get a kitchen table and a couch and are now taking on a project a weekend.



Run for Hope Houston

The last weekend of October we did two 5k's in two days (not a good idea if you haven't run in several months and just started back up again). The first was through our church, Houston's First Baptist, to benefit an organization called Legacy 685 that gives interest free loans and grants to families going through the adoption process. This race was timed and slightly competitive. For someone who just picked up running again a week before, we didn't do too bad. I placed 255th with an overall time of 45:37 and a 14:50/k pace. Brendan placed right behind me by about a half second and a time of 14:52/k. At the end of the race we were treated to free Chick-fil-A and ice cream while we chatted with some friends from church before running of to pick up our packets for our next race, The Color Run.

We had The Color Run the following day in a rain storm. By the time we actually started the race, the rain had reduced to a drizzle and half way through it stopped. Still, I can't say I enjoyed this Color Run as much as I enjoyed my one in Baltimore. The group of people was less enthusiastic overall, which kind of just killed the mood. We walked the whole way since we were tired from the day before, and, true my word, I got Brendan covered in pink. Because of this he literally stopped in the orange zone to try and cover the pink. But not before I got a picture. I mostly enjoyed it because it gave us time to talk as a couple about things we normally don't talk about because we don't have the time. But with 3.1 miles to walk and all the time in the world to do it, it was much easier and the conversation just flowed. That was until we hit the yellow zone and I took an eye full of yellow powder. I think I was crying that stuff out for about five minutes and then my eyes still hurt. Moral of the story-wear sunglasses or close your eyes. All-in-all it was a fun weekend and was kind of a kick starter for finally getting our life as a couple underway.



This past weekend we took on our weekly task of straightening up the apartment (since both of us work pretty much all day during the week). Our project for the weekend was our sadly neglected balcony and our miniature schnauzer who was in desperate need of being groomed. We dropped him off at his appointment at Petsmart on Wallisville (you should ask for Ana as your groomer; she did a wonderful job with Jesse) and then went over to the Lowe's next door to look for flowers. Now, I have to say, being from the East Coast, Texas weather is throwing me off. It's now November and I've maybe only been cold enough to put on a sweater twice and that was in the early morning. Once the sun comes all the way up, it's warm enough again to make you regret wearing a sweater and boots. That being said, it was really weird for me to plant flowers on the second day of November. And they aren't dying yet. Which is weird. Really, really weird (unless you're a Texan and used to these things.) We picked up a couple of orchids for the house and then some pansies, petunias, marigolds, dusty miller, and whatever that plant in the middle is (I just liked how it looked, so I got it.) We also got a hanging pot of gerbera daisies and a green lawn chair to enjoy those cooler days when you just want to sit outside and take in the weather.

Our little Jesse, all cleaned up

Halfway through transplanting them all into a rather large pot, I got a call that the dog was ready for pick up. So I finished up and went and got him. And when they brought him out, I thought he was the wrong dog! He had been so fluffy for so long that to see him all shaved and snazzed up was a weird thing for me. I think I prefer him fluffy though so next time I think we're just going to get him trimmed and the matted parts combed out. Until then he looks like a proper schnauzer and not a poodle like everyone usually thinks. Oh and his sharp little talons have finally been grinded down enough so that every time he jumps on someone, he won't be leaving a rather long, painful scratch mark.

My final feat for the weekend was making lasagna for the first time. In all the years I've been cooking (maybe 5 or 6) I have always dreaded making it. I've watched my mom and even my stepdad do it and let me tell you they must have all the patience in the world to work on it for that long. I cheated a little bit and bought the ready to cook, no need to boil noodles just because I was so afraid I would mess it up. I used a recipe my sister sent to me via email and I'm pretty sure when she was typing it up she left out some ingredients. Imagine the anxiety that caused me. But, being the savvy cook that I am I was able to salvage it through some, ahem, educated guesses and it actually turned out pretty good. I also found my new favorite way to make garlic bread-French bread cut in half, spread with butter and sprinkled with garlic powder and shredded parmesan cheese. It's so much better than the stuff you buy from the frozen aisle.

And I'll leave you for now with this-a little gif of what happens when Jesse escapes from a bath. Have a good week y'all!

Meet Jesse

A few weeks ago we adopted a miniature schanuzer named Jesse. He is a little handful. He's still a puppy, you see. But we love him.

Miniature schnauzers are great dogs. They mimic the personalities of those they live with. For example: I'm mostly laid back and calm. While Brendan is gone at work, Jesse is content to lay around the house. But when Brendan comes home, Jesse becomes hyper, much like Brendan.

The thing I like most about this breed though is that they dont shed...at all. Because I don't know about you but I hate dog hair all.over the place.

If you live in the greater Houston area and are looking for a dog, I reccomend you go to www.msrh.org and check out their miniature schnauzers.